American Idol S06E01 - Minneapolis Auditions

Another season of the Idol's upon us! And we start, where else, but in the long and arduous auditions process. First stop - Minneapolis, MN!

First is the obligatory "And the winner is..." of last season. Like we didn't see it. And then it's the obligatory "This really does work" thing. "Baba O'Riley"! Great song!

MINNEAPOLIS -

And a reminder that the one that used to go by the name Prince performed in the finale last season. That, they tell us, is the reason we start in the MN, in his hometown. Right... Randy drops a name. IN HIS FIRST SENTENCE OF THE SEASON! And Jewel is going to be a guest judge. How did she get to a name like Jewel?

Jessica's "Jewel's biggest fan". And she's a make-up artist. And she wants to inspire people. And she cries. And she takes a while to get started. And she sucks. Big bling-bling family "Jewel"s. Ha! Randy: "No, no, no, no, no, no, no". She's shocked. She cries.

Troy's got no sense of style. He's never seen AI. He sucks, big old-style amish balls. Some people suck. Jesse's incomprehensible. He SUCKS. He asks to get water, doesn't wait an answer, and leaves the room. He drinks. He returns. He still SUCKS. Even Paula's puzzled. Simon: "Why do you think we're looking for a 2 year old that can't sing?". LOL! And the "four" was funny too!

Someone's dressed as "Apollo Creed". I guess. Charles' the name, sucking's the name. He can kinda sing, but as the girl named Stevie proved last season, there's no room for operatic singers on Idol. Simon goes all tantrum about the outfit. Denise is a crack baby. She told us. No one asked her. No one wanted to know. She's loud. And she can sing. She's REALLY loud. She's through, after Simon showers her with love.

There's a "funny" health problem infomercial. That sucked. Tashawn's a wierd name for a girl. She doesn't know English. She doesn't know the lyrics. She SUCKS. And she continues to SUCK. And then she SUCKS some more. And then more. She SUCKS. She's through! Just kidding. She SUCKS. She's outta here! A chick flirts with Ryan, but calls him kinda short. That can't help her chances... Perla? What's up with all these fucking names? She's homeless. I think. She calls Simon Simone. LOL. She can sorta sing. Then she sings Shakira, and that's much MUCH better. She's through.

So far, no guy's gone through. A "cowboy"'s gonna be next. He's dull. He says Carrie didn't have the look he does. You mean, a good look? He sucks, bug hairy horsie balls. Randy and Jewel are mean. He's delusional (the cowboy). Kah'reem, is that supposed to be after Abdul Jabbar? He sucked. So did Alex. Jarrod's "In the Navy", but for real! He sings something Carrie sang, during her season. And he's alright. He's through.

Rakel's a wierd spelling for a normal name. She sucks. Trista barks. Or something. That's so wierd! She sucks, though. So she's outta here! Simon's speechless. Stephen's a vocal coach. He should be good, right? He's got a pitch pipe. He SUCKS, bit astroid balls. Randy's shaking his head. His falsetto's TERRIBLE! Randy's REALLY mean for him. Stephen keeps on about telling stories. Simon adds fuel to the fire. LOL! He really does suck. Really, REALLY bad. That argument was LONG.

Michelle's pretty. The start was horrible. The rest wasn't bad. She's through. The best thing about it, for her, is that she can quit her job. Some people quit to go audition. Dana's boss is a moron. Simon and Randy think she does special things for her boss. LOL. She kinda sucks. The falsetto SUCKED. She sucks. They want to meet her boss. She sings to her boss. They've got to be getting frisky every once in a while. She's outta here. And the judges keep talking about who's in love with who in that relationship. Matt's got a "sad" story. We now that because there's sad music in the background. He's kinda OK. He's through. He's got a HYOOGE mosquito bite on the tip of his nose. LOL...

Rachel's got army uniform on, but she worked in her family's body shop. Huh? Oh... She's in the army reserves. The song SUCKED. She's good. Something's strange, but she's good. She's through. She loves Simon. And his personality. Odd. And she talks to a picture of her husband. LOL. Sarah's good. A bit theatrical, but good. She's through.

There are a couple of STUPID ASS people left. One's a crazy Idol stalker. And the other's a juggler. Jason juggles. He SUCKS. Simon says even the juggling's pathetic. And it is. Randy's plugging a different show. And again. He can't dance, either. He's outta here. And he throws a fit. He gets pissed, and he curses, and he cries. He REALLY cries. Brenna looks scared shitless. And she's next. She's creepy. She's a superfan, and her favorite contestant's Ace? Seriously? She said "Under Pressure" is by Bowie and Freddie Mercury? SERIOUSLY? And she SUCKS. Big, hairy, Idol-super-fan balls. I'm sure she's got a couple. She's stupid, too. She's about to cry. And she's outta here. She doesn't cry, though.

We see a TERRIBLE Prince montage, from people that SUCK! LOL! "Prince will never be on this show, again...". LOL! Josh's a rocker, and his dad would have rather if he went to the NHL. Right. He sings Fuel. He has a punk-grunge sort of gravely voice. But he can kinda sing. Simon tells him to go back later and sing ABBA. LOL. And he scrambles to learn one. And he learns "Dancing Queen". LOL. And he sounds EXACTLY the same. The thing Chris did, every once in a while, was NOT rock. He's got a band. Simon's right. And he's not through. I kinda feel bad for him. I like rock! He goes back to his band. He then cries. Awww... Simon kissed Paula, Jewel AND Randy on the mouth. Gross. Just 17 are through from MN. Come on! Next, Seattle!